An interesting thing happened in meditation this morning. As often occurs, a thought leaped into my brain and made me look: I don’t have to struggle, I thought. For the rest of this meditation, I can just be. No worries. No wrestling over how to pay the bills. No nothing. Let go.
And so I did, for a whole nanosecond. Maybe 2 seconds at most. But for that flash of time everything was OK. Even I was OK. For that instant, I was worthy, whole and good. I didn’t have to prove anything to anyone, least of all me.
And then I realized what I was doing. The feeling vanished. I struggled mightily to get it back, and of course, the sense of peace was gone. For me, this is the frustrating/joyful aspect of meditation. Every time I get “there,” my inner general jumps to his feet and starts marshaling my inner army to make certain that I can control the feeling/insight. And of course, you can’t let go by tensing up.
But there is another aspect of this morning’s blissful second that seems important, particularly to the quest for goodness. For that single instant, I felt like I was good. I don’t mean, Hey wow, look at what a great meditator I am. I mean, OMG, I am a good person. I felt the goodness inside of me. I felt the goodness that is me.
So, what am I doing every other second of the day? Is every striving for success an effort to prove to myself that I’m good? What energy am I wasting by doing that? And am I only one?
What are we all wasting? And, most important of all, if we are constantly struggling to prove our goodness to ourselves, how are we setting ourselves up to fail? What would happen if we just believed we are good?
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