I’ve kept my word. Every day this week I’ve added meditation and prayer to my morning routine. The results have been interesting. I start by meditating for 15 to 20 minutes and then I pray, and then I, ah, cry. The crying part has been a shock. I didn’t plan on tears or seek them.
What am I crying about? Darned if I know.
I’ve been praying to understand goodness, to be able to practice it and for a host of other things, including prosperity, peace and wisdom for myself and others. Sometimes I’ve prayed for forgiveness because like all human beings I do need to be forgiven (and this isn’t the venue to go into detail.)
Am I crying because I feel forgiven when I pray, or do I weep because I suddenly realize that forgiveness is possible? Am I crying because I could be good, and subconsciously I think I’m not, or because praying prompts me to believe that I don’t have to worry about money or the multitude of other things that clog my brain? Maybe it’s the combination of prayer with meditation that prompts the tears. My weeping feels like all of that and something else.
I don’t know exactly why I’m crying, but that feels OK, which fits nicely into what seems to be a theme in my life right now. I appear to be majoring in the topic of Don’t Know.
Under the category of flinging myself into the Don’t Know Life, I don’t believe in God as an entity that can hear and respond to prayers. I don’t believe in God as God seems to be promoted by Christians, Muslims or Jews, yet I’m praying. I’m not addressing my prayers to any being or thing in particular. I’m just saying what I need and wish. I Don’t Know exactly what I’m doing, but that feels all right. So there, take that inner critic who declares: I. Must. Have. A. Plan.
As I’ve meditated and prayed this week, I have gotten a better sense of why I’m praying. I said before that prayer set my feet on a path for the day; prayer set my intent, and that remains true. However, I’m now coming to realize that I’m praying because I feel limited. I feel like I don’t have the power to do all/be all that I need and want, and I’m not ashamed to ask for help.
Meanwhile, I admit that 15-to-20 minutes of meditation every day is wimpy, but it’s the best I can do right now. What I’ve learned so far in this teeny bit of meditation is that quieting my mind appears to prompt answers to questions I hadn’t even realized I’d asked.
And so it goes.